Relational Strength for the Holidays

How To Forgive

12.8.2024

Review

How do you handle being around all kinds of people that don’t think or act like you?

How do you deal with emotional pain during the holidays?

Those who experience life changes like divorce or the death of a family member often struggle during Christmas because of the memories left behind.

Holidays can be relationally challenging.

All of us have “so to speak” a bag full of all of our relationships on our back. Those that are left open ended can weigh us down and affect us in life right now.

We cannot control how people choose to deal with us, but we can choose our response to them.

John Maxwell

Maxwell, John C.. The Maxwell Daily Reader: 365 Days of Insight to Develop the Leader Within You and Influence Those Around You (p. 4). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition

YOU ARE YOUR LENS

Who you are determines the way you see everything. You cannot separate your identity from your perspective. All that you are and every experience you’ve had color how you see things. It is your lens.

Here’s what I mean:

A traveler nearing a great city asked an old man seated by the road, “What are the people like in this city?” “What were they like where you came from?” the man asked. “Horrible,” the traveler reported. “Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects.” “Ah,” said the old man, “you will find them the same in the city ahead.”

Scarcely had the first traveler gone on his way when another stopped to inquire about the people in the city before him. Again the old man asked about the people in the place the traveler had just left. “They were fine people: honest, industrious, and generous to a fault,” declared the second traveler. “I was sorry to leave.”

The old man responded, “That’s exactly how you’ll find the people here.”

The way people see others is a reflection of themselves: If I am a trusting person, I will see others as trustworthy. If I am a critical person, I will see others as critical. If I am a caring person, I will see others as compassionate.

If you change yourself and become the kind of person you desire to be, you will begin to view others in a whole new light. And that will change the way you interact in all of your relationships..

Romans 12:18 (NKJV)

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.

Some people are easier than others to relate to!

If your relationships often end badly, maybe it’s not the other person! Who is the common denominator- You!

The most important thing in life is to guard your inner life.

Proverbs 4: 23 NKJV

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.

Proverbs 4:23 – NLT

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Proverbs 4:23 Moffat

Guard above all things, guard your inner self, for so you live and prosper.

Philippians 3:13- NIV

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

Forgetting (Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance)

to lose out of mind; by implication, to neglect: — to be forgetful of.

We must purposefully choose to “lose out of the mind” those hurts or angering things that produce unforgiveness about issues in our past.

Good mental health, lives in the present not the past, and anticipates a positive future!

Hebrews 12:15 – NLT

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

* Bitter Root Judgments

Anger and resentment at what someone has done to you, with an undertone that they owe you something because of what they did.

Because of this, you expect the same thing that happened in one relationship to happen in another. This causes a sour attitude towards the offender and eventually spills over into other relationships.

* Bitter Root Expectations

You look for others to do to you what the offender has done or you expect the offender to repeat the offence over and over.

Exaggerated responses often indicate emotional/ mental struggles that may stem from unforgiveness!

Luke 6:37-38 (AMP)

Do not judge [others self-righteously], and you will not be judged; do not condemn [others when you are guilty and unrepentant], and you will not be condemned [for your hypocrisy]; pardon [others when they truly repent and change], and you will be pardoned [when you truly repent and change]. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over [with no space left for more]. For with the standard of measurement you use [when you do good to others], it will be measured to you in return.”

Matthew 18:21-35-NLT

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (22) “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! (23) “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. (24) In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. (25) He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. (26) “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ (27) Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. (28) “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. (29) “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. (30) But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

(31) “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. (32) Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. (33) Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ (34) Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. (35) “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

The flesh wants to hold a grudge, and many are yielding to the flesh these days!

How can God forgive us when we hold on to offences towards others!

Mark 11:25- Amplified

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.

Mark 11:26 (AMP)

But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings.

4 THINGS UNFORGIVENESS DOES

1. Hinders my relationship with Jesus.

2. Produces bitter root judgments and expectations.

3. Affects physical health.

4. Adversely affects my relationships.

Proverbs 14:30- Amplified
A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones.

It is difficult to have a healthy body with an unhealthy mind!

12 Excuses we give ourselves for holding unforgiveness

People often make excuses for failing to forgive, and end up hurting themselves first, and then hurting others.

See if any of these fit your experience:

1. The person never asked for forgiveness.

2. The offence was too great.

3. The person does not accept responsibility.

4. I simply do not like the person.

5. The person committed the offence too many times.

6. The person is not truly sorry.

7. I have found an excuse for the offence.

8. Someone has to punish the person.

9. The person did it deliberately.

10. Something keeps me from forgiving.

11. If I forgive, I will have to treat the offender well.

12. I will forgive, but I will never forget.

None of these excuses are acceptable reasons for failing to forgive and let go of offense!

Steps in Forgiving Others

Forgiveness is a Choice, Not a Feeling!

Colossians 3:13 – Amplified

Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].

Ephesians 4:32- NLT
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

3 key points about forgiving

We forgive the same way the Lord has forgiven us.

Forgiveness is an action that eventually affects emotions

The initial act to forgive someone may contain no emotion.

When God forgives, He does 3 things. When we forgive, we do 3 things

Isaiah 43:25- NKJV

I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins.

3 Things God does when He forgives you:

He says:

1. I will not bring the event up to you again.

2. I will not bring up the event to others.

3. I will completely forget it myself.

3 Things we must do to truly forgive:

I will:

1. Not bring the event up in conversation to the person again.

2. Not talk about it with others.

3. Choose to replace the thought of it with prayer for the offender each time it comes to mind.

3 Elements to True Forgiveness

1. The initial act

2. Daily follow through with replacing thoughts about the incident with prayer.

3. The actual release of offensive emotions.

Think of a train when you forgive:

Engine (the initial act of forgiving) –

Cars (dealing with daily negative thoughts about the person by praying for them every time the thoughts come up) –

Caboose (feelings of forgiveness)

Action Points:

1. Do you have family and friends that have hurt you?

2. Are you willing to give up your “right” to hold offense towards them?

3. Have you chosen to forgive and followed the simple steps to forgive?