God’s Original Blueprint for Marriage (part 5)

More Questions and Answers

4.6.2025

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Text – Questionvc to the phone number 94000

 

Andrew and Nana Hans – small group – (next mtg: Sat, Apr 19th, sign-up is on website)

 

Ephesians 5:22-28 (JB Phillips) 

You wives must learn to adapt yourselves to your husbands, as you submit yourselves to the Lord, for the husband is the “head” of the wife in the same way that Christ is head of the Church and saviour of the body. The willing subjection of the Church t Christ should be reproduced in the submission of wives to their husbands. 25-27 But, remember, this means that the husband must give his wife the same sort of love that Christ gave to the Church, when he sacrificed himself for her. Christ gave himself to make her holy, having cleansed her through the baptism of his Word—to make her an altogether glorious Church in his eyes. She is to be free from spots, wrinkles or any other disfigurement—a Church holy and perfect. Men ought to give their wives the love they naturally have for their own bodies. The love a man gives his wife is the extending of his love for himself to enfold her.

 

Colossians 3:18-19 (JB Phillips):

Wives, adapt yourselves to your husbands, that your marriage may be a Christian unity. 19 Husbands, be sure you give your wives much love and sympathy; don’t let bitterness or resentment spoil your marriage.

 

1 Peter 3:1-7 (JB Phillips)

1-6 In the same spirit you married women should adapt yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they do not obey the Word of God they may be won to God without any word being spoken, simply by seeing the pure and reverent behaviour of you, their wives. Your beauty should not be dependent on an elaborate coiffure, or on the wearing of jewellery or fine clothes, but on the inner personality—the unfading loveliness of a calm and gentle spirit, a thing very precious in the eyes of God. This was the secret of the beauty of the holy women of ancient times who trusted in God and were submissive to their husbands. Sara, you will remember, obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. And you have become, as it were, her true descendants today as long as you too live good lives and do not give way to hysterical fears.

7 Similarly, you husbands should try to understand the wives you live with, honouring them as physically weaker yet equally heirs with you of the grace of eternal life. If you don’t do this, you will find it impossible to pray properly.

 

Success in marriage is based on your being willing for the rest of your life to give up every part of single thinking.

 

1 Corinthians 6:17 (NKJV)

But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

 

Questions sent in anonymously:

How do I trust God’s timing and direction when I feel called to step into something new, like pursuing my creative work full-time, but also have financial and family responsibilities to consider?

 

When it is time, God will speak both to you AND your spouse.

 

And, when your “hobby” starts earning enough money to support your family, that’s when you know it’s the right time!

 

1 Peter 3:7 (AMP) 

In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.

 

The Bible says it’s adultery to marry a man who’s wife is still living.

 

Matthew 5:31-32 (NKJV) 

Furthermore it has been said, Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

 

Israel committed “adultery,” that is, they worshipped false gods thus breaking their covenant with God.

 

New Covenant living is not harder than old covenant living.

 

Under the Old Covenant, Divorce was allowed!

 

Two Biblical reasons for Divorce: Adultery and desertion by the unbeliever.

 

When divorce occurs, there is a breaking of a covenant made before God. And that is adultery, that is, adultery is the breaking of a covenant made before God.

 

(Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB) Study Bible Notes) 

Jesus challenged a loose rabbinic paraphrase of Dt 24:1 that distorted the original meaning of the text. In the hands of the rabbis, Dt 24:1 greatly multiplied the number of offenses that could justify divorce. For instance, rabbinic commentaries on Dt 24 cited minor complaints such as a wife’s fading beauty or her tendency to burn food as legitimate grounds for divorce. However, Jesus kept true to Dt 24:1 and insisted that sexual immorality is the legitimate grounds for divorce.

 

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (NKJV) 

When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, 2 when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, 3 if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her as his wife, 4 then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.

 

 Husbands that are in ministry are very faithful to God’s work (thank God). A common cry in the wives of those men is that they feel like they are  just in the background,  he takes care of God’s people and God’s things quickly and immediately but is slow to take care of the things his wife asking. Wives of husband’s in ministry often feel resentful and  lonely. It appears that you are balanced in this area. What tips and advice would  you give to couples in ministry? IE: Balance and all of the things that goes into making that wife feel heard, seen, loved and remembered (by her husband)?

 

There are sacrifices in ministry (before marriage this needs to be discussed). We must respect the call of God yet at the same time care for our families.

 

Don’t allow your “ministry” to become your mistress! Or in the case of a lady, your “mister!”

 

My personal daily goal: To do in my daily life what I value tomorrow.

 

So, time with: God, spouse, to work, mental free time, hobbies and recreation, physical exercise.

 

My weekends are busy with ministry, so I have made sure I make up for it by making time for Susan and I to date, and when the kids were young, by not scheduling my nights with church work!

 

How do you handle a spouse who claims to be a Christian but acts like the devil… shows no fruit of the Holy Spirit and constantly deliberately and intentionally tries to provoke.

 

Not everyone who says they are a Christian is a Christian.

 

James 2:14-17 (NKJV)

What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? 17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

 

Maybe your husband or wife is a Christian, but has not yet grown spiritually and is a baby Christian. Baby Christians are selfish.

 

Again, is the spouse really a believer?

 

Either this person is not really born again, or, he or she is still a spiritual infant. If you don’t get into the Word and get your mind renewed, and if you refuse to discipline yourself, you will not grow spiritually. And you will not be satisfied, and you will not have satisfying relationships with those who are growing believers.

 

So, how do you deal with him?

 

1 Peter 3:1-2 (PHILLIPS) 

In the same spirit you married women should adapt yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they do not obey the Word of God they may be won to God without any word being spoken, simply by seeing the pure and reverent behaviour of you, their wives.

 

1 Peter 2:18-21 (PHILLIPS) 

You who are servants should submit to your masters with proper respect—not only to the good and kind, but also to the difficult. A man does something valuable when he endures pain, as in the sight of God, though he knows he is suffering unjustly. After all, it is no credit to you if you are patient in bearing a punishment which you have richly deserved! But if you do your duty and are punished for it and can still accept it patiently, you are doing something worthwhile in God’s sight.

21-25 Indeed this is part of your calling. For Christ suffered for you and left you a personal example, and wants you to follow in his steps. ‘Who committed no sin, nor was guile found in his mouth’. Yet when he was insulted he offered no insult in return. When he suffered he made no threats of revenge. He simply committed his cause to the one who judges fairly.

 

1 John 3:14 (NKJV) 

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death.

 

Matthew 7:21-23 (NKJV) 

Not everyone who says to Me, Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. 22 Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

 

What are some practical ways to keep God at the center of our marriage while balancing work, finances, and future planning?”

 

Read together, talk, go to church together. Take walks together. Watch Christian movies together, listen to Christian music at home while you do things. Treat each other the way you want to be treated.

 

Seek to meet each others needs.

 

Love with what you do, not just with what you say!

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Men need encouragement. Women need love.

 

Quit trying to change your spouse and start loving them right where they are and how they are!

 

If someone were to marry someone who is not in the faith despite reading the word, and knowing they should NOT be unequally yoked with a child of the devil, how would that person reconcile the marriage? Did I mention unequally yoked with a child of the devil? Let me just say it one more time, ok? Child of the devil. Did I mention child of the devil?

 

James 4:17 (NKJV)

Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.

 

If you know what to do but refuse to do it, you are extremely unwise.

 

I have talked to many who will not listen. Against the Bible and my counsel, they marry a non-Christian anyway. And some fall away from God and never recover.

 

I’m a man and I was in a very abusive relationship. It ended very badly and i was taken advantage of in every way you could think of (emotional, physical, mental, sexual, etc.) What would you say someone who is scared of marriage should do? I want to get married I’m just a little fearful of what could happen.

 

Hebrews 12:15 – Bitter Root Stronghold/Expectation

 

Hebrews 12:15 (NKJV)

Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;

 

How do you know the person is the right one?

 

Be willing to hear the opinions of others, and listen carefully to the witness of your own heart.

 

Proverbs 11:14 (NKJV)

14 Where there is no counsel, the people fall;

But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

 

Proverbs 16:3 (AMP)

Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed.

 

Proverbs 20:27 (AMP)

The spirit of man [that factor in human personality which proceeds immediately from God] is the lamp of the Lord, searching all his innermost parts.

 

The more physical a dating relationship becomes, the more difficult it becomes to know if the person is right for you.

 

If your family or other trusted people are questioning your relationship with someone, so should you!

 

SHEET

 

Is it ok for an ex- spouse, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, to still talk to my husband or wife? 

 

No!

 

Former relationships need to be cut! Ditch being Facebook friends, Instagram friends, Snapchat friends, etc, with previous relationships after marriage. 

 

Texting former lovers must stop!

 

I refuse close opposite sex friends that are not friends with Susan.

 

Is it ok if other women or men try to talk to your spouse and hit on them in front you while you are standing there, and they say nothing when the spouse addresses the issue and say that you are being jealous? 

 

That person blame shifts just like Adam did with Eve when confronted by God about his disobedience.

 

Today, we call it gaslighting.

 

Speak up and speak clearly! This person is not serious about their marriage.

 

What can you do if the husband or wife looks at other women or men and the spouse sees them do it and they deny they are doing it in front of you? 

 

This person has a lust problem. Are they viewing porn?

 

Pornography deadens the conscience and ruins marriage.

 

Matthew 5:27-29 (NLT)

Jesus Teaches about Lust 

27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

 

What to do if the husband or wife wants you to do something in the bedroom that is against the Bible and your religious beliefs, and makes you feel uncomfortable? They keep saying that according to the Bible you should comply.

 

Everything a married couple does together at home and otherwise should have the full agreement of both of them.

 

Amos 3:3 – How can two walk together unless they agree?

 

Is it ok for a spouse to pressure their spouse to work outside the home if the spouse has a disability? Is it ok for a spouse to keep harping about you getting a job and helping financially when you are doing as much as you can with temporary work from home that is often short contracts that must be entered into over and over again?

 

Marriage is a 100/100 relationship. You commit to God and to each other 100% of yourself, and seek to work together. You are not competing with each other, you are working together.

 

Get some help!

 

What do you do when your spouse blames you for things that happen that are not your fault and out of your control. For example, you lose your job due to no fault of your own, like being  laid off. In addition, the spouse blames you for not trying or they say that you don’t want to work? 

 

I sense here a person who has come from a challenging home environment.

 

Blame shifting when addressing disagreements solves no problems!

 

Selfishness, lack of communication, and lack of interpersonal skills here are hindering you.

 

Get some help from your church staff team or a Christian counselor.

 

What does the Bible say about men being head of the household? Women are the helpmate. Does it matter how much money the wife makes? What if the husband makes more than the wife but the husband wants the wife to make more money or prefers her to make more than he does because of her education? 

 

Financial problems are a major source of marriage disagreement.

 

Each person in the relationship needs to show a commitment of doing their best to earn income and to help financially by abiding by a budget.

 

Budget, tithe, save, and talk!

 

Again, get some help!

 

The next question has to do with boundaries.

 

The most important relationship in your life after Jesus is your marriage!

 

 Is it ok for the blended family due to a previous marriage or divorce to have children, yet the children of the previous relationship still have not met the new spouse or their children who are adults?

 

When married, after your relationship with Jesus, the marriage relationship becomes the most important relationship in your life!

 

And, if you have been married and have children,before you marry again, if at all possible, meet the children from previous marriages. 

 

Should one spouse stop pursuing their dream or career if the other doesn’t & won’t support said dream or goal?

 

You don’t have a covenant with your dream or with your career, you have a covenant with your spouse in marriage! They come first, before your dream, before your career.

 

The most important person in your life after Jesus is your spouse.

 

Take time – talk it out, pray – Susan and me, Tulsa, here, 1994

 

If a man is a polygamist and accepts Christ, should he divorce and be left with 1 wife? (my grandfathers on both sides were polygamous and this now is an acceptable law in Kenya).

 

God will deal with a believer in this situation – Lester Sumrall

 

3. As long as I can remember, I have never wanted any children of my own. Don’t misunderstand me, I love children to death and greatly enjoy them but again, I don’t want any. However, I would like to get married someday. Am I wrong?

 

Discuss this before you marry!

 

In America, we have in many ways become self-centered!

 

Everything has become what I want, not what glorifies God and is best for others or the other person.

 

Mark 8:34-35 (NLT)

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. 35 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.

 

J.B. Phillips Translation

Then he called his disciples and the people around him, and said to them, “If anyone wants to follow in my footsteps, he must give up all right to himself, take up his cross and follow me. The man who tries to save his life will lose it; it is the man who loses his life for my sake and the Gospel’s who will save it.

 

Action Points:

 

1. What can you do today to strengthen your relationship with your spouse?
2. What changes can you make to your life that will make it easier for your spouse to get along with you?
3. Are you acting as though your marriage is the most important thing in your life after your relationship with Jesus?